{"id":7322,"date":"2017-05-23T13:27:29","date_gmt":"2017-05-23T07:42:29","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/pahichan.com\/?p=7322"},"modified":"2017-05-23T13:27:29","modified_gmt":"2017-05-23T07:42:29","slug":"if-youre-asking-am-i-gay-lesbian-bi-trans-queer-heres-a-start","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/pahichan.com\/en\/if-youre-asking-am-i-gay-lesbian-bi-trans-queer-heres-a-start\/","title":{"rendered":"If You\u2019re Asking, \u2018Am I Gay? Lesbian? Bi? Trans? Queer?\u2019 Here\u2019s a Start"},"content":{"rendered":"

Maya Salam\/Pahichan –\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

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Lilly, a transgender girl, near her house in Chico, Calif., last year. A 2015 report by the Public Religion Research Institute suggests that \u201c7 percent of millennials identify either as lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender.\u201d<\/span> Credit<\/span>Annie Tritt<\/span><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Maybe the questions bubbled up over time. Maybe the realization hit you suddenly. Am I gay? Everyone calls me a girl, but I don\u2019t feel like one. Why do I feel different from the people I\u2019m around? Those feelings can be the beginning of a journey of self-discovery that can be rewarding, but also extremely daunting.<\/p>\n

\u2018You are not alone.\u2019<\/h4>\n

If this is what you\u2019re going through, take a breath and remember that there are plenty of people and resources to help and support you. Even if facing discrimination is not a concern for you, the anxiety and isolation you may feel privately can be all too real.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou are not alone,\u201d said iO Tillett Wright, a speaker whose TedxWomen talk, \u201cFifty Shades of Gay<\/a>,\u201d has more than 2.5 million views. \u201cIt\u2019s comical how not alone you are.\u201d<\/p>\n

While it is not possible to get an exact figure on the population of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender Americans, a 2015 report by the <\/a>Public Religion Research Institute<\/a> suggests that \u201c7 percent of millennials identify either as lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender.\u201d A January 2017 Gallup survey<\/a> revealed that an estimated 4.1 percent of Americans identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender, up from 3.5 percent in 2012.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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According to a paper published by the National Bureau of Economic Research<\/a>, even those numbers may be underestimated \u2014 as are the challenges that people in this community face.<\/div>\n
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In many parts of the country, and the world, there are institutional resources available for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer people that never before existed, said Larry Gross<\/a>, a communications professor at the University of Southern California who helped found the field of gay and lesbian studies.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd rather importantly,\u201d he added, \u201cpsychological, psychiatric, medical professionals are now much more aware and enlightened than they were in the past not to pathologize variation, but to see it as normal, and to help people to adjust.\u201d<\/p>\n

At square one, though, take an inventory of your feelings.<\/p>\n

You don\u2019t need all the answers right away.<\/h4>\n

\u201cThe leap from \u2018something feels not right\u2019 to \u2018I am transgender\u2019 is a huge one,\u201d said Mr. Tillett Wright, whose Self Evident Truths project<\/a> is documenting 10,000 people who identify as anything other than 100 percent straight. \u201cI think that the pervasive idea is that there\u2019s this switch that you flip that\u2019s like, \u2018I\u2019m not straight anymore, I\u2019m gay,\u2019 or \u2018Something\u2019s up, and I\u2019m trans.\u2019 \u201d<\/p>\n

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\u201cYou can never bend yourself into being anything other than what you are,\u201d said iO Tillett Wright, whose Self Evident Truths project is documenting 10,000 people who identify as other than straight.<\/span> Credit<\/span>Ryan Pfluger<\/span><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

\u201cThe big question is: \u2018Am I happy?\u2019,\u201d he said. \u201cDo I feel good? Do I feel at ease?\u201d<\/p>\n

Richard H. Reams<\/a>, the associate director of counseling services at Trinity University, in San Antonio, Tex., who created the guide \u201cAm I Gay?\u201d<\/a> recommends that those questioning their orientation should also assess whether their same-sex attractions are physical or emotional.<\/p>\n

Physical attraction toward someone of the same sex can be easier to identify, Dr. Reams said, indicated by thoughts as simple as, \u201cI\u2019d like to touch that person.\u201d<\/p>\n

Emotional attraction can be trickier: \u201cWhat are my feelings toward the different people in my life? Is it just friendship feelings, or is it romantic feelings?\u201d Dr. Reams suggests asking yourself. And don\u2019t rush answering.<\/p>\n

If negative thoughts like \u201csomething is wrong with me\u201d creep up, Deborah Coolhart, <\/a>a therapist at Syracuse University and co-author of \u201cThe Gender Quest Workbook<\/a>,\u201d says to remember that these thoughts are learned, not innate. She works with patients to help them identify the origin of those critical messages to hopefully \u201cexternalize them,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n

Dispel the myths.<\/h4>\n

Among the most damaging myths are that being a sexual minority or transgender is a disease, a sin or not normal, says Dr. Coolhart, who specializes in transgender issues. All of these thoughts need to be challenged, she said.<\/p>\n

By connecting with affirmative people, like counselors and other helping professionals, or a community, those messages can be replaced with: \u201c \u2018I am normal. There\u2019s a lot of people that have this experience. There\u2019s nothing wrong with me. This is actually something that makes me special and who I am,\u2019 \u201d she said.<\/p>\n

Dr. Reams addresses several myths about sexual orientation on his website<\/a> but says the most common one is that bisexuals are equally attracted to men and woman. \u201cIt infuriates me,\u201d he said. \u201cBisexuality is a spectrum.\u201d<\/p>\n

The traditional definition of sexual orientation assumes two primary things, he says: that people have a gender identity of male or female, and that they\u2019re attracted to men, women or both. \u201cBoth of those assumptions can be incorrect,\u201d he said. In fact, genderqueer or gender-fluid individuals may have an unfixed gender identity.<\/p>\n

If Mr. Tillett Wright, who is transgender, could give advice to his younger self, it would be to waste less time trying to be \u201cstraight and femme.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou can never bend yourself into being anything other than what you are. No matter how much social pressure is put on you,\u201d he said.<\/div>\n

Embrace the spectrum.<\/h4>\n

Fluidity is quickly becoming a new, and acceptable, normal in the queer community.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe old-school answer was that you really needed to come to an identity and claim it,\u201d Dr. Reams said. \u201cWe\u2019re now understanding that\u2019s not the case.\u201d<\/p>\n

Embracing that fluidity is more about characteristics that aren\u2019t gender-specific. It\u2019s \u201cincredibly liberating\u201d for some sexual minorities to describe themselves beyond the three labels of lesbian, gay or bisexual, he said.<\/p>\n

When seeking a partner, \u201cmale or female is pretty immaterial\u201d to a lot of younger people, he said.<\/p>\n

Mr. Tillett Wright says the healthiest way to come to an identity is to \u201ccome to it in time\u201d and \u201cnever settle on anything.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI find rigidity in any identity, be it straight, gay, trans, bisexual or whatever. When you settle on one thing, you have formed a barrier for yourself and your future selves, plural.\u201d<\/p>\n

Your safety is paramount.<\/h4>\n

While many L.G.B.T.Q. people live openly all over the United States, and in many other countries, it\u2019s important to take stock of your personal situation to ensure that you\u2019re not compromising your safety. According to data compiled by the Federal Bureau of Investigation<\/a> that was analyzed last year<\/a>, L.G.B.T.Q. Americans are more likely to be targets of hate crimes than any other minority group.<\/p>\n

Similarly, a nationwide study by the Centers of Disease Control and Prevention released in 2016 revealed that high school students identifying as gay, lesbian or bisexual are still at much greater risk<\/a> of bullying, depression and violence than their peers who identify as straight. And in many other parts of the world, people still face persecution and punishment<\/a> for their orientation and identity.<\/p>\n

So in some case, Dr. Coolhart says, it may be better to wait to come out to everyone and to instead focus on finding support. \u201cThink about what kind of risks there are in coming out, how supportive they think their family will be, how will it be treated in the work or school environment,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n

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A gender-neutral restroom in New York City.<\/span> Credit<\/span>Mike Segar\/Reuters<\/span><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

To start, Dr. Coolhart suggests, find one person you can be honest with \u2014 maybe a relative, teacher, counselor, co-worker or church person.<\/p>\n

Find a support network.<\/h4>\n

Dr. Reams recommends that if you can\u2019t find someone trustworthy or you live in an area that feels unsafe, make contact with the nearest Metropolitan Community Church<\/a>. The church operates nationwide, even in rural areas. \u201cEven if you\u2019re not religious, the pastor of that church is going to know what resources there are,\u201d he said. Also consider contacting a PFLAG<\/a> chapter in your area or a GSA chapter<\/a> in your school, if there is one.<\/p>\n

The LGBT National Help Center<\/a> offers book suggestions, hotlines and online chat services.<\/p>\n

GLAAD<\/a> and the It Gets Better Project<\/a> offer communities and information. The Trevor Project<\/a> is a national support network for young people, focused largely on suicide prevention, but it also extends an online community to connect with privately, and a hotline if you need to talk.<\/p>\n

The Trans Lifeline<\/a> operates hotlines for people struggling with their gender identity, and the World Professional Association for Transgender Health<\/a> offers many resources for transgender individuals. The Bisexual Resource Center<\/a> hosts events, offers resources and raises awareness about bisexuality.<\/p>\n

Finding support online easily defuses a common first reaction of people questioning their orientation or identity \u2014 thoughts like \u201cthere\u2019s something here that no one has ever experienced, and there\u2019s no one like them, and there\u2019s no one to talk to,\u201d said Mr. Gross, who wrote \u201cContested Closets: The Politics and Ethics of Outing<\/a>.\u201d<\/p>\n

Mr. Gross, Dr. Reams and Dr. Coolhart all suggest watching YouTube testimonials. They \u201cgive faces to experiences that are similar,\u201d Dr. Coolhart said. But skip the comments, Dr. Reams says.<\/p>\n