{"id":9280,"date":"2018-01-22T14:10:23","date_gmt":"2018-01-22T08:25:23","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/pahichan.com\/?p=9280"},"modified":"2018-01-22T14:10:23","modified_gmt":"2018-01-22T08:25:23","slug":"my-boyfriend-kissed-another-man-does-that-mean-hes-gay","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/pahichan.com\/en\/my-boyfriend-kissed-another-man-does-that-mean-hes-gay\/","title":{"rendered":"My boyfriend kissed another man: does that mean he&#8217;s gay?"},"content":{"rendered":"<header class=\"content__head content__head--article tonal__head tonal__head--tone-feature\n    \"><\/p>\n<div class=\"content__headline-standfirst-wrapper\"><\/div>\n<figure id=\"img-1\" class=\"media-primary media-content ()  \" data-component=\"image\" data-media-id=\"3d90057e66f7c327d5036e8b6160335baeb4494a\">\n<div class=\"u-responsive-ratio\"><picture><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"maxed responsive-img\" src=\"https:\/\/i.guim.co.uk\/img\/media\/3d90057e66f7c327d5036e8b6160335baeb4494a\/0_23_800_800\/master\/800.jpg?w=300&amp;q=55&amp;auto=format&amp;usm=12&amp;fit=max&amp;s=11c46a979dac95e547124376698562e8\" alt=\"Illustration by Lo Cole\" \/><\/picture><\/div>\n<p><label class=\"mobile-only reveal-caption reveal-caption--img\" for=\"show-caption\"><\/label><\/figure>\n<\/header>\n<p><strong><a class=\"tone-colour\" href=\"https:\/\/www.theguardian.com\/profile\/annalisabarbieri\" rel=\"author\" data-link-name=\"auto tag link\">Annalisa Barbieri<\/a>\/Pahichan &#8211; I found out two weeks ago that my boyfriend had kissed another man. The next day, he texted the same man inappropriate messages, asking to meet again and proceed further than kissing (the messages were apparently sent while my boyfriend was very drunk). When we spoke about this, he said he did not enjoy the kiss, but wanted to see if he enjoyed other activities with men.<\/strong><\/p>\n<div id=\"dfp-ad--inline1\" class=\"js-ad-slot ad-slot ad-slot--inline ad-slot--inline1 ad-slot--rendered\" data-link-name=\"ad slot inline1\" data-name=\"inline1\" data-mobile=\"1,1|2,2|300,250|fluid\" data-desktop=\"1,1|2,2|300,250|620,1|620,350|fluid\" data-google-query-id=\"CMjBh4CS69gCFY4PKwodGqsPsg\">\n<div id=\"google_ads_iframe_\/59666047\/theguardian.com\/lifeandstyle\/article\/ng_6__container__\" class=\"ad-slot__content\"><strong>I have always known he has been curious in this way and I\u2019ve voiced my concerns about him wanting a man instead of me (a woman). He\u2019s always responded that I am what he wants, insisting he loves me. But this encounter demonstrates that he is still not sure. He believes his bisexuality is a sign that he is undecided, so he wants to explore or rule out men \u2013 but continue in a relationship with me. I don\u2019t think that\u2019s fair, but I want to help him.<\/strong><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<p><strong>When we discussed his cheating, he said he was planning on proposing within the next year, but was worried about committing to me when it may turn out that he would eventually prefer men. He doesn\u2019t want to realise this 20 years down the line, when we are married with kids.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>His excuses for the kiss were weak at best: he was under incredible pressure and stress at work, and going through a family upheaval, all of which produced a cocktail of emotions that, when this man instigated a kiss, led to him kissing back. What do I do?<\/strong><\/p>\n<aside class=\"element element-rich-link element-rich-link--tag element--thumbnail element-rich-link--upgraded\" data-component=\"rich-link-tag\" data-link-name=\"rich-link-tag\">\n<div class=\"rich-link tone-news--item rich-link--pillar-news\"><\/div>\n<\/aside>\n<p>If your boyfriend didn\u2019t enjoy his kiss with this man, why would he want to do more? And, you know, lots of people cope with stress, and manage to get very, very drunk, without changing their sexuality. What would happen if you had a baby together, or had money problems? Would he go out and kiss an entire boyband?<\/p>\n<p>What you\u2019re trying to do is ignore very clear evidence, to \u201cmake it OK\u201d, thinking that if you can just get over this patch, everything will be fine. And that\u2019s unlikely to happen.<\/p>\n<p>While many people have fantasies that don\u2019t mirror their real-life choices, these don\u2019t make them act differently. I like the way he says he doesn\u2019t want to realise this 20 years down the line, with little thought of what impact that would actually have on a family situation.<\/p>\n<p>I consulted\u00a0<a class=\"u-underline\" href=\"https:\/\/www.cosrt.org.uk\/members-2\/kirstie-mcewan\/\" data-link-name=\"in body link\">Kirstie McEwan<\/a>, who is a sexual and relationship counsellor (<a class=\"u-underline\" href=\"http:\/\/www.cosrt.org.uk\/\" data-link-name=\"in body link\">cosrt.org.uk<\/a>). \u201cYou\u2019re obviously heartbroken,\u201d she said, \u201cbut you\u2019ve always known he was curious, haven\u2019t you?\u201d She wondered what\u2019s keeping you together. \u201cIs it more than just a relationship? Is there further entanglement, shared finances? Do you still want a relationship with this man and, if so, what sort?\u201d She also pointed out that the ball is not in his court but in yours.<\/p>\n<p>You ask how trust can be rebuilt but, given that he\u2019s very probably lying to himself, I think this is going to be a long, hard journey for you. It does seem you have had suspicions for a while (you don\u2019t mention your ages, nor how long you\u2019ve been together). \u201cSome people,\u201d McEwan says, \u201cmay suspect something but don\u2019t want to see the truth. Now it\u2019s squarely in front of you and you have to deal with it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>You may have been avoiding your suspicions because of insecurity: maybe you feel he is better than nothing, or better than other men out there. But what you\u2019re doing is cheating on yourself if you put up with this. You\u2019ll be forever wondering and suspicious, until you end up a shadow of yourself.<\/p>\n<aside class=\"element element-rich-link element--thumbnail element-rich-link--upgraded\" data-component=\"rich-link\" data-link-name=\"rich-link-1 | 1\">\n<div class=\"rich-link tone-feature--item rich-link--pillar-lifestyle\"><\/div>\n<\/aside>\n<p>There is nothing wrong with someone being bisexual, or exploring their sexuality \u2013 but not on your time, and not if it hasn\u2019t been agreed. I think his claim that he\u2019s going to ask you to marry him within the year is his way of trying to convince himself.<\/p>\n<p><a class=\"u-underline\" href=\"https:\/\/www.theguardian.com\/lifeandstyle\/relationships\" data-link-name=\"auto-linked-tag\" data-component=\"auto-linked-tag\">Relationships<\/a>, and marriages, are hard work. What you absolutely cannot do is enter into them with suspicions, or in a situation in which you are not someone\u2019s number one.<\/p>\n<p>Yes, your boyfriend needs to work out his sexuality, but he needs to do it on his own. If you stick around to \u201chelp him\u201d through this, you will see his actions as a reflection of you and define yourself by them. And really, this has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him.<\/p>\n<p>Copy :\u00a0www.theguardian.com<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Annalisa Barbieri\/Pahichan &#8211; I found out two weeks ago that my boyfriend had kissed another man. The next day, he texted the same man inappropriate messages, asking to meet again and proceed further than kissing (the messages were apparently sent while my boyfriend was very drunk). When we spoke about this, he said he did not enjoy the kiss, but wanted to see if he enjoyed other activities with men.<\/p>\n<p>I have always known he has been curious in this way and I\u2019ve voiced my concerns about him wanting a man &#8230;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":44,"featured_media":9281,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[621,492,490],"tags":[447],"class_list":["post-9280","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-news","category-opinion","category-slider","tag-bisexual"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/pahichan.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9280","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/pahichan.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/pahichan.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/pahichan.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/44"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/pahichan.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=9280"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/pahichan.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9280\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":9282,"href":"https:\/\/pahichan.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9280\/revisions\/9282"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/pahichan.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/9281"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/pahichan.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=9280"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/pahichan.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=9280"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/pahichan.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=9280"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}