{"id":9804,"date":"2018-03-22T08:51:15","date_gmt":"2018-03-22T08:51:15","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/pahichan.com\/?p=9804"},"modified":"2018-03-22T08:51:15","modified_gmt":"2018-03-22T08:51:15","slug":"how-to-be-a-lesbian","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/pahichan.com\/en\/how-to-be-a-lesbian\/","title":{"rendered":"How To Be A Lesbian"},"content":{"rendered":"

Jenna Wimshurst\/Kathmandu (Pahichan) March 22 – Welcome to this completely serious and ridiculously handy guide on how to be a lesbian. This guide is suitable for: new\u00a0lesbians\u00a0\u2013\u00a0hello\u00a0and welcome;\u00a0old lesbians\u00a0\u2013\u00a0hello and nice to see you\u00a0again; and\u00a0non-lesbians who want to find out how we have sex\u00a0\u2013\u00a0hello and either a) stop asking me or b) skip right ahead to Chapter 7 to find out for yourself.<\/span><\/p>\n

You may think that being a lesbian is simply sleeping with or being sexually attracted to women, but no, there\u2019s more to it. It would seem that you have a lot to learn when it comes to being a lesbian, so go on and read this fucking guide. Pay attention,\u00a0yeah?<\/span><\/p>\n

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Like with many things,\u00a0lesbianism is thought to have originated in ancient Greek times, however, the evidence is scarce\u00a0because\u00a0all\u00a0<\/span>surviving sources from the classical period\u00a0were, without exception, written by men. Of course they were. You\u2019ll find throughout this guide that many things regarding gay culture mostly focus on men, but never fear, because I have made my way down into the deep gay hole of the world (interpret that as you will) to find the best bits of lesbian information and have compiled them here for you.<\/span><\/p>\n

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Looking for Lesbos<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

The word lesbian originates from the Greek island of Lesbos where Sappho wrote some downright filthy woman-on-woman poetry. Please note that I don\u2019t know whether the poetry was filthy, but I imagine, with all that sun and ouzo, it probably was.<\/span><\/p>\n

Also,\u00a0Lesbos, if pronounced incorrectly, is a term many\u00a0lesbians\u00a0are often called in the street.<\/span><\/p>\n

Other slang terms for lesbians include:<\/span><\/p>\n

Dyke \u2013 rumored to originate from the word hermaphrodite, or the 1940s term bulldyke<\/span><\/p>\n

Rug or carpet\u00a0muncher\u00a0\u2013\u00a0in honor of the act of cunnilingus, as it were<\/span><\/p>\n

Doughnut bumper \u2013 each to their own; vaginas could look a bit like doughnuts, I guess\u2026<\/span><\/p>\n

Lezza\u00a0\u2013 a rather unimaginative abbreviation of lesbian<\/span><\/p>\n

Bean flicker \u2013 to flick, rub or massage someone else\u2019s\u00a0clitoris<\/span>\u00a0(or your own)<\/span><\/p>\n

Todger\u00a0dodger \u2013 a woman who dodges the penis<\/span><\/p>\n

Muff diver \u2013 a woman who not-quite-literally dives into muff, also known as a lady garden<\/span><\/p>\n

Butch \u2013 a lesbian who is, quite frankly, butch<\/span><\/p>\n

Let\u2019s have two more interesting facts before we really get started with teaching you how to be a proper lady lover:<\/span><\/p>\n

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  • A\u00a0lavender rhino was the lesbian symbol in the 1970s, and although it was kind of cute, it was also kind of lame, so it hasn\u2019t stood the test of time. The idea was that rhinos were docile and misunderstood, but they put up a good fight if they needed to.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
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    • The myth goes that Queen Victoria didn\u2019t make female homosexuality illegal when she made male homosexuality illegal. This may or may not have been because she wasn\u2019t aware lesbians existed. It might have been because whenever people back in the day heard the term gay they just thought of men bumming instead of women muff diving\u2026 and the same often applies today. Or it could be that she actually rather liked the idea of two women together and was actually a big homo herself. Who knows? Not me.<\/span>\u00a0Just putting theories out there.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

      Anyway, on with the guide!<\/span><\/p>\n

      Coming Out<\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n
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      It doesn\u2019t matter if you come out to your parents when you\u2019re 16 or 76 or if they are religious nuts or skeptical atheists, right wingers or left wingers, dead or alive: it\u2019s their right as the people who birthed you to know who you are shagging.<\/span><\/p>\n

      Firstly, ensure that your parents are in a place where they are most comfortable, be it the living room, pub or local brothel. If they\u2019re at ease then you\u2019ll be at ease and it will all go swimmingly, unless it doesn\u2019t.<\/span><\/p>\n

      The best thing to do is not to beat around the bush (metaphorical or physical).\u00a0Just come out with it (pun intended). Perhaps mention other lesbians that your parents know or have seen on the television and compare yourself to them: \u201cYou know Clare Balding? Well you know she\u2019s a lesbian? So am I\u201d. Use a good role model rather than a bad one, so I\u2019d recommend using\u00a0Balders,\u00a0rather than someone like Rose West.<\/span><\/p>\n

      If you\u2019re still uncomfortable saying that you\u2019re a proper gay\u00a0lesbian\u00a0lady, then why not take the cowardly option and tell them that you\u2019re bisexual? By the time they realize that you\u2019re actually a full-blown\u00a0lezza,\u00a0they would\u2019ve gotten used to the idea and won\u2019t be surprised when you only ever bring women round for weekly dinners.<\/span><\/p>\n

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      Unfortunately,\u00a0there are some parents that will take the news badly no matter how well you prepare. They\u2019ll feel that your desire\u00a0to not\u00a0sleep with men is somehow a reflection on their parenting skills. They might blame a particularly tomboyish friend from your past, or your unhealthy interest in things that are\u00a0\u201cfor boys\u201d \u2013\u00a0things like football, the color blue or not liking ballet, for example.<\/span><\/p>\n

      The only thing to do if this happens is to tell them that you are happy being a lesbian and that your happiness should be worth more than their own comfort levels. If they are still total dicks about the whole thing, then perhaps don\u2019t bring up the subject again, emigrate, and become a bit too dependent on alcohol.<\/span><\/p>\n

      You may think that your parents having a good reaction to you coming out as a lesbian would be a great thing, but you\u2019d be wrong. When you go out on a first date with a lady or meet other lesbians you normally swap coming out stories and \u201cthey were fine with it\u201d is a bit of a buzz killer. No one wants to hear more about how fine your parents were. Obviously, it\u2019s good for you if your parents are fine with it; you\u2019ll just have to rely on other interesting parts of your personality to use as an icebreaker.<\/span><\/p>\n

      Once you\u2019ve come out to your parents that\u2019s it for life: you never need to come out again. Well okay,\u00a0just not for that week anyway. In life you will need to come out a number of times: to colleagues, neighbors,\u00a0gynecologists, the lot. It\u2019s very simple: you just need to slip the word\u00a0\u2018partner\u2019\u00a0into a sentence, or if you don\u2019t have one then follow the tips in the\u00a0\u2018butch\u2019\u00a0section of the next chapter.<\/span><\/p>\n

      Style Guide<\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n
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      When people think of a lesbian they either think of the pretend naked ones in the porn videos, or the fat, short-haired, man-looking ones in everyday life. In\u00a0fact,\u00a0lesbians come in all shapes and sizes; although some styles are obviously more popular than others. Here are the three main lesbo style guides for you:<\/span><\/p>\n

      Butch: The stereotypical style of choice for lady lovers. Clothing preferences include, but are not limited to: polo shirts, men\u2019s short sleeve shirts, men\u2019s long sleeve shirts, men\u2019s hoodies, men\u2019s leather jackets, men\u2019s combats, men\u2019s baggy jeans, men\u2019s boxer shorts and a lovely pair of Dr Martens.<\/span><\/p>\n

      Although style is 80% clothes, it\u2019s also 19% attitude and 1% haircut. Haircuts synonymous with\u00a0butches\u00a0are short. Short, short, short. You want long hair? Okay,\u00a0but only if it\u2019s all just one length and there\u2019s not even a hint of feathering or layers.<\/span><\/p>\n

      Femme: The opposite to butch is femme, short for\u00a0femdom. Is it? I don\u2019t know, but now that I\u2019ve put that, it kind of makes sense\u2026 Anyway, to be femme is basically to dress, act and appear like a straight girl might, you know, with dresses, make up, ballet pumps etc \u2013 just don\u2019t sleep with men.<\/span><\/p>\n

      Androgynous:\u00a0The style that can be hard to get right without looking like the biggest butch out there: the androgynous style. Although it\u2019s similar to \u2018butch\u2019, it\u2019s a lot\u00a0subtler\u00a0and a lot more hipster-ish. Think smart, fitted, black suit, rather than large men\u2019s tux. Short hair but with more style and flair.<\/span><\/p>\n

      There\u2019s one item of clothing that fits in with all three categories.\u00a0It\u2019s versatile, smart, casual, fitted, baggy and just awesome:\u00a0the lumberjack shirt. If lesbians were to have a\u00a0uniform (OMG\u00a0that would be great and also terrible at the same time) then\u00a0the lumberjack shirt would definitely be it. However, if any straight girls are reading this then please can you refrain from wearing these shirts as it throws off our\u00a0gaydar.\u00a0Thank you kindly.<\/span><\/p>\n

      Interacting With Other Lesbians<\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n
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      I don\u2019t know about other cities in the UK and around the world, but in London the gay district is Soho, and Soho is mainly full of men. So, when you are on the lookout for a nice lady to spend your life (or night) with then you only really have the choice of two bars in London: downstairs at G-A-Y and She Bar, both underground, both very full of sofas.<\/span><\/p>\n

      Unlike in\u00a0gay male culture,\u00a0lesbian culture has a\u00a0more timid\u00a0approach when it comes to meeting a potential mate. If you\u2019re at a bar and you see a\u00a0nice-looking\u00a0lady, you don\u2019t want to approach her, ask her\u00a0name, have some banter, then exchange numbers.\u00a0No. What you want to do is stare at her from across the\u00a0other\u00a0side\u00a0of the room for the entire night. You may then choose to find out her name just for online stalking purposes, but you certainly don\u2019t want to appear keen. That\u2019s not the lesbian way.<\/span><\/p>\n

      Of course, the most popular way to meet a possible mate is on dating websites\/apps. All the dating apps have the gay option, so it\u2019s easy to find a wide range of lesbians in your local area. If you\u2019re a vegan (statistics say that if you\u2019re a\u00a0lesbian\u00a0then you\u2019re 89.5% more likely to be a vegan) then you\u2019re in luck, as there\u2019s a vegan dating app.<\/span><\/p>\n

      The lesbian scene in London can be quite\u00a0incestuous. I once had two dates lined up with two different women (please note, this doesn\u2019t happen often and will probably never happen again) who I met in very different circumstances. One was a fellow\u00a0stand-up\u00a0comedian and the other was someone whose friend recommended her on a dating website. Well long,\u00a0boring story shorter and less boring:\u00a0they were exes.<\/span><\/p>\n

      It\u2019s not uncommon for lesbians to date each other\u00a0and\u00a0remain friends after breaking up.\u00a0It\u2019s also not uncommon for friends to be friends for years, then date and then break up and never see each other again because their bad relationship ruined their friendship. Just a word of warning:\u00a0if you\u2019re going to shag your friends then\u00a0make sure they\u2019re not your favorite friend, or you\u2019ll be fucked.<\/span><\/p>\n

      Hobbies<\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n
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      Now that you\u2019ve come out, have chosen a style to follow and have interacted with or stared at another lesbian, it\u2019s time to get some hobbies.<\/span><\/p>\n

      Apart from sleeping with women, lesbians have lots of hobbies, most of which can be used as another way of making friends or just knowing if someone is a lesbo or\u00a0not.\u00a0For example,\u00a0you know a girl who goes camping but you\u2019re not sure if she\u2019s a gay \u2013\u00a0\u00a0<\/span>think of it this way: do you see a bunch of straight women going camping with all their own kit, mallet and all? No, you do not. She\u2019s a dyke, my friend. She\u2019s\u00a0a dyke.<\/span><\/p>\n

      Camping:\u00a0the number one favorite lesbian pastime. If you really want to commit to lady loving\u00a0then I\u2019m afraid camping is something you\u2019ll have to get on board with. Think of it like spending Christmas with the family:\u00a0no one wants to do it but it\u2019s the law, so get on fucking board.<\/span><\/p>\n

      Rules for camping:<\/span><\/p>\n

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      • Buy a tent.\u00a0A\u00a0big one with at least three compartments: one for sleeping, one for getting changed and one for propping up a little table where you can offer a selection of lesbian tea and biscuits for your fellow lesbian campers.<\/span><\/li>\n
      • Bring warmth.\u00a0Lots of warmth! Even when you\u2019re camping in July it\u2019s fucking cold at night, so lots of blankets and a duvet for your blow-up bed is a must.<\/span><\/li>\n
      • Bring food.\u00a0Lots of it \u2013 and preferably stuff that doesn\u2019t need to go in the fridge.<\/span><\/li>\n
      • Bring lots of alcohol and games for maximum lesbian fun times.<\/span><\/li>\n
      • Bring other lesbians.\u00a0Not everything is better with other people but camping is definitely one of them.\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

        If you prefer the warm, comfortable interior of a hotel\u00a0room\u00a0rather than sleeping in a field with nothing more than a thin piece of material to protect you, then why not partake in some other hobbies popular with muff divers. These include driving Volvos, walking your dog with other lesbians (dykes with dogs), playing football, doing arts and crafts, origami, carpentry, interior design and rambling.<\/span><\/p>\n

        The lesbians love a good walk and if they can do it with Clare Balding for a BBC Radio 4 special, then what an absolute thrill. What is it about carpet munching that makes women want to go for a long walk along the Jurassic coastline? Beats me.\u00a0<\/span>DIY.<\/span><\/p>\n

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        There\u2019s a very famous saying: give a lesbian a screwdriver and she\u2019ll build you a wardrobe.\u00a0Teach a lesbian to screw and she\u2019ll make you a community center with a large granny annex and horse stables.<\/span><\/p>\n

        It\u2019s a fact that gay men teach you makeup, fashion and how to be bitchy, and gay women teach you how to install underfloor heating, change a\u00a0light bulb\u00a0and utilize your recycling.<\/span><\/p>\n

        Your first toolkit is something rather special but it can be confusing; there are so many tools in B&Q and that\u2019s just the staff. Only joking \u2013 the staff in B&Q have always been very helpful and friendly when it comes to my purchases. Homebase on the other hand\u2026absolute cunts.\u00a0Again,\u00a0this is a joke.\u00a0Please do not sue me for calling you cunts, instead send me free stuff for promoting your shop.\u00a0Thank you.<\/span><\/p>\n

        The things you need to buy for your first toolkit:\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

        Screwdriver\u00a0\u2013 make sure it\u2019s a magnetic one so that you can put it on your fridge next to your recycling schedule.<\/span><\/p>\n

        Hammer\u00a0\u2013 for putting nails in walls or telling the neighbors to shut the fuck up.<\/span><\/p>\n

        Nails\u00a0\u2013 to give you something to hammer into the wall when you\u2019re telling the neighbors to shut the fuck up.<\/span><\/p>\n

        Allen keys\u00a0\u2013\u00a0fucking loads of them.\u00a0You can never have too many\u00a0in your life.<\/span><\/p>\n

        Pliers \u2013\u00a0to prise open your girlfriend\u2019s cold, cold heart.<\/span><\/p>\n

        Lastly, you will need a spanner to tighten up nuts \u2013 both metaphorical and physical.<\/span>\u00a0You\u00a0own a toolkit now: you\u2019re the boss.<\/span><\/p>\n

        Fantastic. Now that you have your toolkit you need to buy a shit load of paint brushes and at least ten tins of gloss and emulsion paint and paint every wall in your house. Oh, they don\u2019t need painting? Don\u2019t care. You\u2019re a lesbian now and you need to paint your walls, ceilings and skirting boards, and don\u2019t forget to varnish every piece of wood furniture you have.<\/span><\/p>\n

        Celebrity Knowledge<\/span><\/strong><\/h2>\n
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        Our lesbian queen is, of course, Ellen\u00a0DeGeneres.\u00a0Those next in line to the throne include Billie-Jean King, Clare Balding and Ellen Page.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

        As you\u2019re new to the lesbian world, I will tell you the celebrities you should know about and a little bit of information about each one. I\u2019ve put the lesbians into three easy to comprehend categories.\u00a0How bloody kind of me.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

        Old School Lesbians:<\/span><\/h2>\n

        Rosie O\u2019Donnell\u00a0\u2013\u00a0large, loud, American lesbian who featured in Will & Grace,<\/span><\/p>\n

        Ellen\u00a0DeGeneres\u00a0\u2013 the universe\u2019s biggest talk-show host who isn\u2019t Oprah,<\/span><\/p>\n

        KD Lang\u00a0\u2013\u00a0Canadian singer who, according to Wikipedia, is also an occasional actress,<\/span><\/p>\n

        Rhona\u00a0Cameron\u00a0\u2013\u00a0Scottish lesbian who\u00a0outed\u00a0Sue Perkins on I\u2019m A Celeb,<\/span><\/p>\n

        Jodie Foster \u2013\u00a0American actress and lamb whisperer,<\/span><\/p>\n

        Billie-Jean King\u00a0\u2013\u00a0the Universe\u2019s best female tennis player who didn\u2019t come out\u00a0of\u00a0<\/span>Oracene\u00a0Price<\/span>\u2019s vagina (that\u2019s Serena and Venus Williams\u2019 mother for those not in the know).<\/span><\/p>\n

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        New Millennial Lesbians:<\/span><\/h2>\n

        Ellen Page \u2013 short actress and title character from the film Juno,<\/span><\/p>\n

        Kristen Stewart \u2013 the annoying girl from Twilight who is now a totes awesome, moody lesbian,<\/span><\/p>\n

        Cara\u00a0Delevingne\u00a0\u2013 posh English model who has a very nice face,<\/span><\/p>\n

        Ruby Rose\u00a0\u2013\u00a0Aussie actress from OITNB and some Vin Diesel flick,<\/span><\/p>\n

        Kate\u00a0McKinnon\u00a0\u2013 comedian who dresses up as Ellen and Bieber but still looks straight.<\/span><\/p>\n

        Lesbians your mum likes:\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

        Clare Balding\u00a0\u2013 lovely horsey lady off the telly who never seems to be off the telly,<\/span><\/p>\n

        Sue Perkins\u00a0\u2013 comedian, one half of Mel and Sue and ex-Bake Off\u00a0presenter,<\/span><\/p>\n

        Sandi\u00a0Toksvig\u00a0\u2013 short Danish QI presenter and new\u00a0Bake Off\u00a0presenter,<\/span><\/p>\n

        Elton John\u00a0\u2013\u00a0okay,\u00a0so not a lesbian per se, but the most\u00a0lesbionic\u00a0looking man ever.<\/span><\/p>\n

        The Lesbian Bible<\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n
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        If you haven\u2019t already binged watched \u2018The L\u00a0Word\u2019\u00a0then what the fuck are you doing?!\u00a0Oh,\u00a0you\u2019re reading this very useful lesbian guide.\u00a0I\u2019ll let you off then. Once you\u2019ve finished this spiffing piece of informative writing, I suggest you rush to your local Blockbuster and rent all six seasons immediately.<\/span><\/p>\n

        Why? Well because many of us lesbos learned our morals and ethics from watching the show. \u2018Tis our Bible, our Quran, our Torah, our blueprint. Some things that you will learn about lesbians from watching \u2018The L Word\u2019 include: lesbians are terrible lesbians at the start. You think that the hot, lesbian serial dater in your town was born a goddess of all things muff diving? No, when she first came out she was the same frigid, cold, bloated, ugly lesbian that you probably are.<\/span><\/p>\n

        All lesbians are rich.\u00a0Filthy rich. It\u2019s a fact and it\u2019s represented really well on \u2018The L Word\u2019. Everyone has huge fuck off houses, designer clothes and spends most of their time in The Planet. Clearly no one has a job and those that do work only a\u00a0three-hour\u00a0month.<\/span><\/p>\n

        Sex<\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n
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        Finally,\u00a0the sexy chapter. Depending on where you live and how old you are, people may or may not ask you how lesbians have sex. Simply tell them that it involves a chicken, two metres of blue string and a half-eaten bag of jelly babies and leave it at that.<\/span><\/p>\n

        So, how do we have sex? Well you can choose to penetrate another lady with your fingers, fists, arms or entire body\u00a0\u2013\u00a0depending on the size of you and the size of her vagina. You might like to buy a dildo or a strap on from a sex shop or online shop that promises total discretion. You can also buy them on Amazon Prime but there\u2019s nothing particularly discrete about Priming a whopping 10\u201d cock for next-day delivery.<\/span><\/p>\n

        Scissoring.\u00a0 People do\u00a0it but it\u2019s awkward, and you end up feeling like you\u2019re pretending to have a fit while getting kicked in the face.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

        The main important thing you need to remember when thinking or doing lesbian sex is that there are no\u00a0\u2018men\u2019\u00a0in it, and I don\u2019t mean that there are no physical men because obviously there aren\u2019t. I mean that when some dickhead asks which one is \u201cthe man\u201d they are too heavily into gender roles, and lesbian sex doesn\u2019t have gender roles. Sausage rolls not gender roles,\u00a0people.<\/span><\/p>\n

        Like with heterosexual sex, everything in lesbian sex is and can be covered just the same; the only difference is that there\u2019s no sperm and no risk of getting pregnant. Yay! What a turn on.<\/span><\/p>\n

        Whether it\u2019s anal, oral, penetrative or some proper weird shit, as a lesbian you can have sex however the fuck you want. Just don\u2019t do it with a man because that means that you\u2019re bisexual and this is a book for lesbians.\u00a0Only joking \u2013\u00a0this is a book for everyone!\u00a0Don\u2019t get your bisexual rainbow braces in a twist.<\/span><\/p>\n

        One big misconception about lesbians is that we know what the other likes immediately just because we\u2019ve got the same bits. This is fake news, people. Fake. News. Sad. Like with straight couples, it can take a while for the sex to be good and to find what each other likes and doesn\u2019t like.<\/span><\/p>\n

        Unlike with straight couples, both parties normally orgasm and then end on a cuddle where at least one of them cries because they love each other so much. I once read a joke that said if babies were made only when the woman\u00a0had an orgasm\u00a0then there\u2019d be only six people in the world. What a stereotypical, lazy and utterly hilarious thing to say.<\/span><\/p>\n

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        Gold Star<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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        Lesbian Sex Terminology:\u00a0<\/span><\/strong><\/h2>\n

        Gold star\u00a0\u2013 you\u2019ve never had sex with a man,<\/span><\/p>\n

        Lesbian bed death\u00a0\u2013 you and your partner stop or very rarely have sex,<\/span><\/p>\n

        Pillow princess\u00a0\u2013\u00a0a lesbian who likes to lay there and get all the good stuff but doesn\u2019t actually reciprocate it,<\/span><\/p>\n

        Funch\u00a0\u2013 a\u00a0quick shag at lunch, wonderful.<\/span><\/p>\n

        Tearing The Homophobes\u00a0a New One<\/b><\/span><\/h2>\n

        Now that you\u2019re a proper lezzy lesbo you not only get to enjoy all the lesbian things in life but you also get to enjoy all the anti-lesbian things in life e.g. Bible bashing homophobes.<\/span><\/p>\n

        Please note that not all homophobes bash Bibles. Some bash the Torah, the Quran or any other religious text of their choosing.<\/span><\/p>\n

        You\u2019re not going to win every argument you have with a homophobe, but you will win most of them by using hard facts and wit:<\/span><\/p>\n

        Example 1\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

        Homophobe:\u00a0\u201cThe Bible says being gay is wrong\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

        You:\u00a0\u201cThe Bible also says that it\u2019s a sin to wear mixed fabrics and eat shellfish so I suggest you take all your clothes off,\u00a0you\u00a0fishy cunt.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

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        image: http:\/\/cdn1-www.afterellen.com\/assets\/uploads\/2017\/04\/kate-mckinnon-ghostbusters-e1493602564804.jpg<\/p>\n

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        Example 2\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

        Homophobe:\u00a0\u201cWhat you do in the bedroom is disgusting.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

        You:\u00a0\u201cDo you not go down on your\u00a0wife? \/ Does your husband not go down on you? You poor thing!\u00a0You really must try it; it feels nice and it won\u2019t end up in unwanted pregnancies that drain the state and add to our already overpopulated world.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

        Example 3\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

        Homophobe:\u00a0\u201cBeing a lesbian is a choice.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

        You: \u201cBeing a cunt is a choice and you seem to have chosen very poorly indeed.\u00a0Now excuse me while I go\u00a0bump doughnuts with my girlfriend.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

        Example 4\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

        Homophobe:\u00a0\u201cYou\u2019re a lesbian because no men will have you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

        You:\u00a0\u201cNo, I\u2019m a lesbian because although I don\u2019t hate men, I don\u2019t want their genitalia anywhere near me and my genitalia. It\u2019s proper\u00a0minging.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

        Congratulations!\u00a0You have now reached the end of this very useless lesbian\u00a0guide and are ready to go out into the world as a proper lady lover. Just a quick word of warning before you do: we have gone through what you should do, but I\u2019m going to leave you with a tip on what you shouldn\u2019t do.<\/span><\/p>\n

        Don\u2019t be a\u00a0\u2019Scene\u00a0Queen\u2019. They are the worst type of lesbian and are usually found in gay bars wearing polo shirts with the collar up,\u00a0sporting\u00a0Justin Bieber haircuts\u00a0and\u00a0an\u00a0unhealthy love of themselves.\u00a0They like to sleep their way around the lesbian scene, being an arse to everyone. Don\u2019t be that person.<\/span><\/p>\n

        Now go and\u00a0lez\u00a0your way through life,\u00a0dear child.<\/span><\/p>\n

        \n

        \"\"<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

        \n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

        Jenna Wimshurst\/Kathmandu (Pahichan) March 22 – Welcome to this completely serious and ridiculously handy guide on how to be a lesbian. This guide is suitable for: new\u00a0lesbians\u00a0\u2013\u00a0hello\u00a0and welcome;\u00a0old lesbians\u00a0\u2013\u00a0hello and nice to see you\u00a0again; and\u00a0non-lesbians who want to find out how we have sex\u00a0\u2013\u00a0hello and either a) stop asking me or b) skip right ahead to Chapter 7 to find out for yourself.
        \nYou may think that being a lesbian is simply sleeping with or being sexually attracted to women, but no, there\u2019s more to it. It would seem that you …<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":44,"featured_media":9805,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[621,492,490,11],"tags":[1698],"class_list":["post-9804","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-news","category-opinion","category-slider","category-world","tag-lesbian-sex"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/pahichan.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9804","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/pahichan.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/pahichan.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/pahichan.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/44"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/pahichan.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=9804"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/pahichan.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9804\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":9806,"href":"https:\/\/pahichan.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9804\/revisions\/9806"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/pahichan.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/9805"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/pahichan.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=9804"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/pahichan.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=9804"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/pahichan.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=9804"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}