Rukshana Kapali/Pahichan – While a small piece of paper fell down from my messy cupboard, as I picked it up, was a small photo. While, I glazed and smiled at my picture, it took me back in time when I was at school. This was the first picture I dared to take, expressing my own inner feelings.

It was awkward moment. An individual with suppressed feelings wore tight school pants, white shirt, and a coat that hides the balls you put inside the shirt.

As I walked passed the lanes towards Balifal, a photo studio where I usually go. Just usually it was me with bald head and a bag behind me from where I took out a long wig, fake hair as I entered the closed room of photo studio.

Opened my coat, shocked the cameraman, little scared, took these snaps. I immediately grabbed out the wig put it in the bag, took off the balls inside my shirt and turned my face down, put out the money and walked away to my school to face hate, stigma, isolation and being bullied at every point of your action.

The other day, I received the pictures with faces staring and me top to bottom, low voices I could hear from gossips behind. I was already aware that legally I could have my own gender identity in papers and even could take steps to change my official name. It was the time to fill my SLC registration form. With hesitation and fear, I carried the pictures with me. As the pictures got passed one by one in my class, giggles and mocks reached my ears. What next…

In front of the whole class, I was called out by the principal. It was a monthly examination. I was told to stand up, my hairs short, which I always wanted long, was however grabbed and pulled along me in the middle of the floor. The yell of my principal could be heard upstairs downstairs.

 His anger that I was different could be felt deep in everyone, when his big fists knocked my head, when his legs thrown on my back. A terror arose as my principal pushed me down with his legs and mouth wide open with all hate, detest.

As tears rolled down to my cheeks, I held this picture and walked back to my seat while everyone in the class looked at me with a playful mind.

 That was four years ago, when I was Grade 10. I never forget to say how my life has changed within these years, but yes the miserable moments of school life still haunts me time and again.