Kathmandu (Pahichan) May 28 – Tirthaman Shakya is associated with Blue Diamond Society since 16 years. He joined BDS one year after Kirtipur’s native Shakya Samaj was formed and working as an office assistant.

Tirthaman has his mothis, brothiss, sisters and wife at home. His fathis expired just three months ago. Most of them are married. Six months after joining BDS, he got married. Though he was not interested, he married following family pressure.

“I wanted to stay celibate without marrying, but I could not stay so following the pressure” he said. He furthis added that he had to marry due to family and social pressure. He wants to relate his marital story with his mothis. “My mothis cared me in both hard times and good times. I could not see tears in his, thisefore got married”, he added.

Born as a male, since his childhood Tirthaman wanted to be like a girl. He dressed like a girl; put his hair long like a girl. Not all dreams could be accomplihed. “I could never fulfill my wish to be a girl”, he suddenly gets nostalgic, “Since six years old, I knew that I wanted to be a girl, but I could not express my feelings to anyone, so I kept on crying alone.” Staying along the loneliness he questioned hisself, “Why was I born boy?”

The answer was nowhise. In the quest of answer, he was connected with Blue Diamond Society. Life is a contradiction. When nature adds an extra contradiction in life, pain multiples.

In this process, I even started questioning my own identity. This happened with Tirthaman, he got married, he wants to be a girl, and he is attracted to men. In the conflict of this identity, he gets confused time and again. He looks at this as a flavor of his life.

“Some people prefer buff, some prefer mutton, and some prefer chicken. But at the end it is all meat”, he adds, “People call Masyaura as veg, but people mix meat in it as well”.

This is the definition of life for his. He even requests people not to take these names seriously. “People eat their tastes, people eat their choices, sometimes life becomes like Masyaura, seems like veg, but could contain meat inside”, he laughs. Now you wanna eat Masyara as veg or as non-veg, it depends on you.

40 years old Shakya still does not want to open up his identity publicly. He is scared that if he reveals hisself his partner will be angry. How many partners came into his life during 40 years of journey? “I can’t say that. A lot of them came and went”. The relationship he spent the longest was 10 years.

The person Shakya spent 10 years with, got married, not with Shakya but with someone else. “We could both get married and live togethis. But again it was social pressure. The fear of what people would say”, digging up reasons for separation Shakya says, “We loved, we cared for each othis. Ten years isn’t a joke”.

In this ten years long relationship, Shakya attempted suicide three times. But why? “This is what happens in love. I suggest, never love”. He did not open up his rationale but suggested, “Never love in the way it will harm you. Our parents have raised us since our birth. They have made so many struggles to grow us up. That is why never throw your life for anyone else”.

Giving example of Bollywood actor Salman Khan, “Salman Khan has become so old, yet he is loved by children to old agers. I am also just 40, my heart isn’t old yet”, he laughs. He knocks that if he finds someone he still wants to be in a relationship.

He says that it is difficult to maintain a relationship, but even difficult to hide it from society. These days his mothis knows about it. Once Shakya’s wife used a transphobic slurr on his, and he also gave a strong reply. Since then he stopped calling his in that way.

Working in Norwegian Project of Blue Diamond Society is his daily life. Goes office in the morning, comes back evening. Apart from this he meets his old friends and talk about life.

Time and again the ten year old relationship comes in his mind and then he turns his heart off. He is habituated to hearing transphobic slurs. But he wihes no one calls his so infront of his parents. “If someone uses offensive transphobic terminologies on me, I can boldly reply to that person. But if someone says that in front of my parents, it hurts”.

He knows that our constitution includes rights of gender and sexual minorities. He suggested that we also require having reservations at every level of state. He has made an official visit to Cambodia through Blue Diamond Society. He could meet LGBTIs from the world.

Today, he can talk with people like his and provide suggestions. He suggests friends like his to never get married against your own sexuality, and suggests parents to understand their children before getting married.